Mr Richard

After I had stopped laughing at this, I realised that Mr Richard had executed a very well thought out plan here. He aims to leave you hanging, with promise of some very important information..who knows what it might be! I must message him back immediately to find out.

Drunk and disorderly

There are some things to do on a first date. Buy the lady a drink, pay the lady a compliment, treat the lady with courtesy etc and so on. But there are also some things that are a definite no no.

For example, the date I had with the Scottish golfer. On the day, he texted me a few times, I think just to make sure I would still meet him. He was at the golf club and proposed we met at a pub in town half hour later than originally planned. No problem, as I had decided to walk and it gave me more time.

As I was nearing the street where the pub was, I could hear my phone ringing in my bag. It was him. The pub sounded busy in the background. The conversation went something like this:

Him: Hi, just wanted to tell you I'm at the bar when you come in
Me: OK I'm not far now, just at the top of the road
Him: Cool, er..don't be alarmed but I'm here with my friend and some other people
Me: sorry? are you saying you are in this pub with your mates?
Him: er...well...yes. my mate's girlfriend is meeting him up here later so he won't be around for long
Me: i see. well this is a bit embarrassing then..
Him: be a big girl and come in
Me: click...burrrrrrrr

I was tempted to turn around and go back, but instead I strolled up to the pub and opened the door. I scanned around. Remember I've only seen a couple of photos of this man on his dating profile. There was a sea of men's faces, all looking directly at me. Due to the football, I was one of only about five women in the place. When we had arranged this date, I had specifically said I wanted to go somewhere not showing the World Cup. I looked around and counted no less than five wide screen TVs showing the live match.

I found him and his mates at the bar. As soon as he started talking, I could tell he had been drinking for quite some time. A drunk Scotsman! Who would have thought it? I noticed that one of his friends at the bar was staring at me intently. Later I learned that he had winked at me a few times on the dating site, which I had obviously ignored. Please be aware that people do recognise you from dating sites, it's happened to me a few times.

We left his gaggle of friends and went out into the beer garden to talk, it appeared to be going OK. He was getting more and more drunk though, whereas I was pretty much sober. He was becoming extremely difficult to understand too.

He decided he wanted to go to another pub, so we said our goodbyes to his charming pub mates and got outside. He was literally hanging off my shoulder. He asked if he could kiss me. I said no.

We zig-zagged up the hill to the pub, with me keeping him upright and gravity fighting me at every step. When we eventually arrived, I opened the door and was faced with a scene that I can only describe as like being on the set of the film 'Cocoon'. There were about 10 very old people, throwing some serious shapes to a band that was just one long-haired bloke with a guitar.

Me and my extremely drunk and incoherent date bought some drinks and sat outside. He kept slurring and I kept having to say 'what?'. Thankfully, before long, the barman came out to tell us to drink up as they were closing. So, in his wisdom, my Scottish friend thought it would be a good idea to tell the barman to fuck off.

He got barred. I went home.

A lesson is to be learned here. Don't drink too much on a first date, don't invite your friends along and definitely don't get yourself barred from a pub for being abusive. Call me fussy, but it just doesn't set a good first impression..

Good question

Here's a short note from an american admirer called Peacemaker. In answer to his question, I really don't know why, but it isn't because there are no men around. There are many men but it would appear that appreciative ones are over 3000 miles away...damn!

Like buses

To be honest, it's pretty boring being me at the moment. The gorgeous bloke I winked at in the week didn't respond..imagine my surprise! No doubt he got a better offer, he was far too attractive..he must have been flooded with messages from the cream of the online dating crop.

I was wallowing in self pity, flicking through pages of ungainly looking men when I received a wink from a guy who lives in Essex. He looked quite nice in his photos and his profile was spelling mistake free so I decided to wink back and he sent a message - the patented Wink Etiquette System (WES) working to its full potential!

As my mood was a little gung ho, I suggested we swap numbers straight away. This isn't normally the way I operate, but like I said, I was bored and needed some mischief to entertain me. He texted me shortly after and we arranged that we would have a date on Monday.

He has been really cagey about his job. I asked him what he did and he said that it was 'top secret' and that he would tell me when we meet in person. From texts back and forth, I have collected some clues:

1) he has travelled a lot on the roads around the UK
2) he doesn't get compliments in his 'environment'
3) he trains in Aikido
4) he runs
5) he doesn't appear to work normal hours

We can cross off policeman, bouncer and bodyguard as he has already denied being one of these. I have discussed these clues at length with a friend and we have come up with:

1) a spy in the MI5
2) works on an oil rig
3) urban hygienist
4) cage fighter
5) a magician in the magic circle
6) a lottery winner

It's probably none of the above but I only have until Monday to find out! He is coming to me from quite far away and taking me out for a meal. Should be interesting and I am really looking forward to it. He has intrigued me.

But, there is second guy...I've been proactive this weekend! I first chatted to him online a couple of weeks ago and he has been pestering me for a date ever since. Today I relented and texted him to tell him I was up for it.

He is scottish, plays golf and competes in triathlon. Sounds fit. I like that. Quite hard to understand on the phone, I struggled with his accent. Very broad considering he has lived in the south for some years, but I don't mind it. I'm used to a dodgy accent, I have an irish mother!

I've arranged to meet this guy tomorrow evening for a drink. He is a bit older than me but I like his style and he sounds like a deep conversationalist, which floats my boat totally.

So, two days. two dates. I've doubled the dose for extra relief..

Curb your enthusiasm

Another man who hasn't thought things through properly, is Omaco.

He begins by saying that he has one word for me, and that word is that I am cute. I count that as four words but will graciously accept the compliment. Worringly, he then goes on to say that he would like me as his 'forever life partner'...(as opposed to 'temporary life partner')..without ever meeting me, or speaking to me...in fact, this is his first message!!!

Woah there Omaco. Let's take things slowly. So slow, that you are unable to see it with the human eye....

I said 'wink'..

After a long couple of weeks, with my dad visiting being the only real man news, I noticed I had received a 'wink' from someone online.

As I explained to a friend today, who thought winking was a waste of time, there is no better ice-breaker than the faithful wink...hmmm, I have to watch my typing here. One wrong letter could turn an innocent wink into something...much less innocent!!

I never make first moves in online dating. I always let the man do it. He can send me a message, or he can 'wink' at me. I get notification of the wink and can view their profile.

Winking Etiquette
1) They wink at me
2) I look at their profile
3) If they are ugly stick victims I ignore them
4) If I like them I wink back
5) They (normally) then send a message

My 'winker' (I know it's tempting) is an Essex local. The same age as me. He has hair and it looks tidy. He has a professional job. I looked closer at his photo album...the result was PHWOAR!!! I realised quite quickly, that this is actually the man of my dreams.

So, I winked back at him immediately. Then thought that maybe the wink should be backed up by a private message. Just incase he gets a hundred winks from desperate ladies (i'm not including myself in that, thank you).

I thanked him for sending me a wink and told him I had taken the time to peruse his profile and couldn't help but notice that he was quite hot...

Let's see what happens.

More biblical chat ups

I do like these ones. God is always involved in it somewhere.

Moron chat

An online guy has just been asked me 'width or length?'.

I have chosen to answer it with 'both', just to shut him up.

Plenty of fish

I would like to think I'm quite good at judging a person's character, but find it quite hard to do this while chatting online. The first impression is drawn from a virtual meeting. One with photographs and text. Both of these can be very misleading. Photos can be old or doctored. Words can be misconstrued or a pack of lies. With typing, I always look for spelling mistakes as a way of gauging intelligence. Someone who seems intelligent and vibrant online, can be very dull and boring in person. Or they have some sort of hidden catch or ailment.

Here are some of the real-life lessons I've learned so far:

1. The policeman.
I wouldn't normally go for a copper. He had a few photos on his profile and one of them was of him in a gents toilet, self portrait with his phone in a full length mirror. There was a condom vending machine in the background. Class.

He was coming from Hackney so I met him at the station. He was already there when I got there and he was carrying a big rucksack (I had visions of him taking me to his house, stuffed limbless inside it...my imagination plays tricks). He wasn't very attractive. I suggested that we take a walk into town for a drink. We set off and that's when I noticed that he had a terrible limp. You can't see that in the photographs!

In the pub he began being very bigoted and told me some violent stories in which he played a key role, so I told him I had to leave and left him to limp to the station on his own.

2. Fat bloke, darts shirt, silly name.
Bloke called St John (pronounced 'Singen'). After meeting him, quite clearly he had used a photograph from 1987 on his profile. He had told me he had a mercedes and turned up in the shonkiest, beaten up old shitheap mercedes you've ever seen.

He was wearing what I can only describe as a darts shirt. The sort that you might remember Eric Bristow wearing in the 80s. Silky black number. One of the buttons was undone at the bottom and his fat, hairy belly button was poking out of it. Once you notice something like that, you can't take your eyes off it! I stared in fascination, he must have thought I was checking out his package. Haha.

I didn't take my coat off the whole time as I just wanted to GO HOME. He bored me for an hour about his dull job and I told him I had to go and do a few things, as I had come straight from work. I lied.

3. Mr Shrinking Violet.
Did someone say BOOOO!!!!?? Small man, big car. A local Christmas tree farmer. His range rover was the size of my flat with a wheel at each corner. He was shaking when he spoke to me. He kept knocking the cutlery off the table and clanking the crockery. It was embarrassing. There was a big commotion with his dover sole. He lifted the skeleton and bits of sole went all over the table.

I told him to stop being nervous. Silly.

4. There is always a catch.
Went on a lovely first date in London with a Northern Irish guy. Very sweet, but a bit over weight. He was describing his interesting job, his jet set lifestyle. He was a gifted musician and played many instruments.

I told him he sounded very interesting and joked that there must be a catch. He answered..'well, I have to go on medication for 5 months so I can't drink any alcohol'. I feigned concern and asked what was wrong. He told me he had a skin disease...hmmmmm. 'It's not contagious' he added. I think he saw the look on my face, as I ran swiftly for the hills...

5. The marriage proposal.
Met a guy called Jez (i know..he is from ESSEX!). I liked him, the first date went well. He had a weird chin where it looked like it disappeared into his neck, but we got on well and he was interesting. So I decided to go on a second date.

We were having an ok time on the second date, he was all over me and very drunk. He came across a bit clingy and needy. It was starting to annoy me. Later in the evening, we bumped into his housemate. Jez introduced us and asked his housemate to tell me something Jez had said after he met me on our first date. His mate looked quite reluctant to tell me the story, but Jez insisted. Apparently Jez had said...'I've just met the woman I'm going to marry....'.

He met me once and thought I was the 'one'.

Blimey! I'm not ready for that and I didn't like him that much! I sensed that he wanted to be married and have a family...with whoever would agree to do it with him.

So again, I went and sought solace in the safety of the hills.

Always read the signs

i'm still in a bit of a dilemma over last night's date. he was nice to talk to. quite funny. he thought i was funny, i had him in hysterics! again, he had exaggerated online about his 'business'. he is a web designer, contracting through his own limited company...that's not 'running a business'. they do like to hoodwink you into thinking they are richard branson.

he was a red head. this was something vic and i had discussed on the train to southend on sunday. i showed her his profile picture to ask her opinion on the hair colour (as he had stated 'light brown' on his profile page) and she couldn't make her mind up either. i suspect he had adjusted the red hue in photoshop. clever. i wasnt very clever though. his profile name was 'jrangutan'. the fact that he refers to himself as a ginger monkey is a bit of a giveaway.

he was quite well spoken so i was using my phone voice. it doesnt last long. i try to phase the dagenham in over a period of time so that they dont notice.

in the restaurant things were awkward. tables quite close together so conversation easily overheard. he was having a problem with this. i did most of the talking (as usual). i ordered the mixed seafood linguine. it was to die for. best bit of the date IMO.

he paid and we walked down to the pub. at which point he completely loosened up and was a delight to talk to. really odd! we spoke about our families and he told me his great uncle was H G Wells. i was extremely impressed by this and immediately google stalked it when i got home. found out a lot about H G, but nothing of his family tree. i was also looking to see if HG was ginger. couldn't find that out either. useless.

we walked back to the cars and up in the night sky was a flame, floating across towards the sea from shore. it was completely mad and i told him i thought it was an alien craft, propelled by fire. he liked this idea, it was the only explanation for it really. i was out with H G Wells' great nephew, it is to be expected that there is going to be some sort of alien encounter.

they always ask if you want to do it again. i hate that. i would rather they say, i'll call you in the week. that, i can ignore. a text, i can ignore. but ask me to my face, on a mild night in leigh, with the waves slapping on the mud as a backdrop, i cant turn around and say 'not on your life sunshine'. so i said yes. he asked if i was sure. i said yes (but meant no). he went in for the kiss so i went for the cheek and hug deflection move.

these guys are nice, but there is a reason why they use online dating. there is always a catch. he told me he had a beach and a recording studio, before he had met me. so he is showing me what he has got in order to entice me into meeting him. alarm bells should ring. i have fuck all, and i dont let them know that until about 3 months down the line..