I would like to think I'm quite good at judging a person's character, but find it quite hard to do this while chatting online. The first impression is drawn from a virtual meeting. One with photographs and text. Both of these can be very misleading. Photos can be old or doctored. Words can be misconstrued or a pack of lies. With typing, I always look for spelling mistakes as a way of gauging intelligence. Someone who seems intelligent and vibrant online, can be very dull and boring in person. Or they have some sort of hidden catch or ailment.
Here are some of the real-life lessons I've learned so far:
1. The policeman.
I wouldn't normally go for a copper. He had a few photos on his profile and one of them was of him in a gents toilet, self portrait with his phone in a full length mirror. There was a condom vending machine in the background. Class.
He was coming from Hackney so I met him at the station. He was already there when I got there and he was carrying a big rucksack (I had visions of him taking me to his house, stuffed limbless inside it...my imagination plays tricks). He wasn't very attractive. I suggested that we take a walk into town for a drink. We set off and that's when I noticed that he had a terrible limp. You can't see that in the photographs!
In the pub he began being very bigoted and told me some violent stories in which he played a key role, so I told him I had to leave and left him to limp to the station on his own.
2. Fat bloke, darts shirt, silly name.
Bloke called St John (pronounced 'Singen'). After meeting him, quite clearly he had used a photograph from 1987 on his profile. He had told me he had a mercedes and turned up in the shonkiest, beaten up old shitheap mercedes you've ever seen.
He was wearing what I can only describe as a darts shirt. The sort that you might remember Eric Bristow wearing in the 80s. Silky black number. One of the buttons was undone at the bottom and his fat, hairy belly button was poking out of it. Once you notice something like that, you can't take your eyes off it! I stared in fascination, he must have thought I was checking out his package. Haha.
I didn't take my coat off the whole time as I just wanted to GO HOME. He bored me for an hour about his dull job and I told him I had to go and do a few things, as I had come straight from work. I lied.
3. Mr Shrinking Violet.
Did someone say BOOOO!!!!?? Small man, big car. A local Christmas tree farmer. His range rover was the size of my flat with a wheel at each corner. He was shaking when he spoke to me. He kept knocking the cutlery off the table and clanking the crockery. It was embarrassing. There was a big commotion with his dover sole. He lifted the skeleton and bits of sole went all over the table.
I told him to stop being nervous. Silly.
4. There is always a catch.
Went on a lovely first date in London with a Northern Irish guy. Very sweet, but a bit over weight. He was describing his interesting job, his jet set lifestyle. He was a gifted musician and played many instruments.
I told him he sounded very interesting and joked that there must be a catch. He answered..'well, I have to go on medication for 5 months so I can't drink any alcohol'. I feigned concern and asked what was wrong. He told me he had a skin disease...hmmmmm. 'It's not contagious' he added. I think he saw the look on my face, as I ran swiftly for the hills...
5. The marriage proposal.
Met a guy called Jez (i know..he is from ESSEX!). I liked him, the first date went well. He had a weird chin where it looked like it disappeared into his neck, but we got on well and he was interesting. So I decided to go on a second date.
We were having an ok time on the second date, he was all over me and very drunk. He came across a bit clingy and needy. It was starting to annoy me. Later in the evening, we bumped into his housemate. Jez introduced us and asked his housemate to tell me something Jez had said after he met me on our first date. His mate looked quite reluctant to tell me the story, but Jez insisted. Apparently Jez had said...'I've just met the woman I'm going to marry....'.
He met me once and thought I was the 'one'.
Blimey! I'm not ready for that and I didn't like him that much! I sensed that he wanted to be married and have a family...with whoever would agree to do it with him.
So again, I went and sought solace in the safety of the hills.
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